The last day before schools closed, I evacuated my classroom of all tissue, sanitizer, and alcohol wipes like some hastily redeployed soldier. Every morning I wake in my king-sized, memory foam bunk without a cough or runny nose, I say a silent prayer then kick myself for not humping home the cheap one-ply from my school\u2019s rest rooms. My wife tosses and turns too. Her employer instituted a telework policy: two weeks in office, two weeks remote. Company woman through and through, a real lean-in trooper, she hunkered down in her deserted office every day last week, co-workers giving wide berth to the symptomatic: sneezers, wheezers, and geezers treated equally like modern-day lepers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Paranoia is contagious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t get me wrong, we\u2019re fortunate, thankful for employment, concerned for small business folk, but face it, people, we\u2019re at war, our President says so, having just appropriated the notion from someone on tv with years of experience making serious faces for a network camera. Even my wife can appreciate branding genius: Wartime President. I\u2019ve read enough post-apocalyptic novels, the weapon I need to defend my wife, my shelter, my hot tub, not a firearm, but information. Information is truth, truth is power, power is survival. This: a survival tale. Me: Wartime Husband.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Friday, Cheryl comes home from work and, I kid you not – I\u2019m in the kitchen, facemask secured (liberated from her metalsmith toolbox), blue nitrile gloves, taking steel wool to strawberries, dunking red peppers and summer squash in a 10% bleach solution – first thing she does, lifts my mask, kisses me. On the lips! Fuckin\u2019 A!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gloves on hips, I give her my best how could you<\/em> look. Bad enough the virus transmits through air, my wife seals the deal with personal contact. Kicking off her pumps, she asks, how was your day, baby, what\u2019s with the PPE? Smells like a janitor\u2019s closet in here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Over her shoulder, Mike Pence\u2019s face is on tv cable news, looking all solemn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hey you – Cheryl snaps her fingers – you haven\u2019t been watching COVID news all day again, have you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n